How to improve your sex life: 8 actionable tips & advice for couples

But here's what’s often misunderstood: that shift usually isn't your desire disappearing. It's your libido changing how it shows up. With a little understanding of how your sexual desire works and an openness to trying new things, improving your sex life is more within your control than you might think. Let’s look at the science of libido and some useful (and maybe surprising) sex tips for couples from experts.

How to improve your libido

Let’s start with the science of libido first. The original linear model of sexual response, first described by Masters and Johnson in 1966 and later expanded by Kaplan to include desire, was: desire → arousal → orgasm → resolution [1, 2]. It assumes that desire to have sex appears out of thin air, which then prompts us to have sex. Well, later research on desire by researcher Rosemary Basson, M.D suggested that for women, this model may only work at the start of a new relationship. Basson proposed an influential alternative: a circular model built around what she called responsive desire and argued that responsive desire is completely normal, not a sign that something's wrong [3].

Spontaneous desire is the kind we’re all familiar with, and it’s how we might expect our bodies to work. Responsive desire works a little differently. Instead of desire for sex appearing out of nowhere, it has to be “ignited” by the right context, touch, or connection [3]. Think of it like appetite: spontaneous desire is feeling hungry before you eat—the craving comes first. Responsive desire is more like sitting down to a meal you weren't especially hungry for and finding your appetite kicks in once you start. The wanting arrives after you've begun, not before. So if out-of-nowhere desire isn't your experience, that's not a problem to fix. It's just a different, equally normal way libido works.

Basson built her circular model around women, and for years, spontaneous desire was treated as a desire style mostly men have. But more recent research shows that responsive desire isn't unique to women. Men's desire fluctuates and responds to context like stress, mood, and closeness just as much [4]. Responsive desire isn't a sign of low sex drive. It's simply one of the normal ways desire presents in people – while some people get turned on spontaneously, others need to get started to get in the mood. With this understanding of how desire works, we can show up with more confidence, both with a partner and on our own. 

8 Sex tips for couples

Now that you know desire usually needs a spark to ignite it rather than showing up on its own, let's get practical. Here are seven ways to create that spark with your partner and greatly improve your sex life.

1. Tackle stress as a team

Stress is a fairly common reason libido may dip in some couples. When you’re depleted and running on empty, desire is often the first thing to go. Some research shows that chronic stress keeps your body in a state that leaves little room for arousal [5]. So if both of you are stretched thin by busy, stressful lives, it’s normal that you may have little energy or desire left for intimacy, which can build the pressure on both sides. 

Easing that stress together is one of the most powerful things you can do for your sex life. In practice, it’s simpler than it sounds: share the mental load evenly, protect unstructured downtime as a couple (no chores, no screens, no logistics talk), and give each other permission to rest without guilt. When the pressure eases for both of you, there will be more room for desire to show up.

2. Practice open communication

Honest communication about your desires and wants in the bedroom can be scary, but it’s one of the best ways to improve your sex life. A review of 48 studies found that couples who communicate openly about sex report higher desire, arousal, and orgasm, plus better sexual function overall, and the link is even stronger for women's desire and orgasm [6].

When talking about sex, you want to try to open the dialogue in a neutral, safe space. Avoid doing it in the middle of sex when you’re both naked and vulnerable, and instead gently bring it up during a date night or while you’re having a coffee or are on a walk. Try to frame the conversation from a positive angle: instead of “I don’t like it when you do…” try “I’d absolutely love to try this with you…” Be curious about your partner’s wants and desires, and give them time to process things.

3. Create a “Yes/No/Maybe” list together

An easier way to communicate desires and wants in the bedroom, and a fun way to add novelty in a long-term relationship, is to make a “Yes/No/Maybe” list with your partner. It’s a game/tool many people use to express their desires in a low-pressure way. Here’s how it works: each of you gets a paper or uses a digital note-taking app and splits it into three columns:

• Yes: Sexual activities you tried already and love, and new things you’re down to try

• Maybe: Sexual activities you potentially are curious to try, but aren’t 100% sure about

• No: All the activities that you have no interest in exploring

Once you both have your lists written out, share them with each other and compare what activities match. There’ll certainly be overlap, and those are the things you both can confidently explore together. It may be a good idea to use this game to spice up your next date night!

4. Date each other

As we already touched on earlier, it’s common for desire to show up easily at the start of a new relationship. A lot of that is novelty. When everything is new and exciting, wanting each other takes little effort. As the relationship settles into a routine, that spark requires more effort. It’s totally normal for date nights to take a backseat in long-term relationships, especially if you have kids, jobs, and other family obligations. However, finding a way to introduce regular date nights into your relationship is a great way to bring the spark back and can help you have better sex.

Avoid pressuring yourself to have date nights more frequently than your schedule allows, or to go above and beyond each time. That sort of pressure can stifle desire. Instead, find a cadence that works with your lifestyle: weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly. Date nights don’t have to be fancy dinners out. Even a quiet night cooking at home, where you focus on each other with no distractions, works wonders.

5. Improve your foreplay game

Many people assume foreplay starts when it’s time to have sex, but that’s a limited way to view foreplay. Foreplay can extend far beyond the bedroom, and turn your day-to-day life into a more exciting way to connect with your partner in small, unexpected ways. A lingering kiss before work, a flirty message midday, a hand on the lower back while you’re making dinner — all these small gestures build anticipation.

Once you’re in the bedroom, there are also ways to extend the pleasure. Try touching and kissing everywhere but the obvious places until your partner is begging for more. Consider teasing, building the arousal before pulling back, just to come back again a few moments later. Take your time making out without the rush into sex. Enjoy the sounds, the smells, and the feel of your partner against you.

6. Try pleasure mapping

Pleasure mapping is an activity focused on exploring pleasure spots. You can do it solo, but it’s also super fun with a partner. It’s a take on sensate focus, a technique sex therapists have used for decades to help people get to know their bodies better, and as a way to be present and connected to their pleasure [7]. It’s a technique that removes the pressure to have an orgasm or have intercourse. The goal is to explore and enjoy the sensations in the moment.

With a partner, you may want to take turns exploring each other's erogenous zones. You may choose to be naked, wear underwear, or more clothes at first if you’re more comfortable that way. Use your fingers and touch first, before moving into the mouth and maybe even tools, just as feathers, silk scarves, and toys. Take your time, listen to your partner’s cues and your own body, and have fun!

7. Leave penetration off the table

To this day, many couples think of intercourse as the main event of having penetrative sex. While intercourse can be pleasurable and fun, it’s definitely not the only activity on the table. In fact, when researchers surveyed more than 1,000 US women, only about 18% said vaginal penetration alone was enough to reach orgasm, while nearly three in four said clitoral stimulation was either necessary or made their orgasms better [8]. For a lot of women, penetrative sex simply isn't the reliable route to pleasure it's assumed to be.

The good news is there are plenty of non-penetrative activities to try instead of intercourse, such as:

• Dry humping: It involves rubbing or grinding against each other, with or without your clothes on.

• Mutual masturbation: You can either watch each other masturbate or help each other masturbate. It can be a fun way to learn what sort of touch your partner enjoys.

• Oral sex: A sexual activity where you use your mouth to stimulate your partner’s genitals.

• Fingering or hand jobs: Using your fingers and hands to stimulate your partner’s genitals.

8. Try new things together

Trying new things together outside the bedroom can help you have better sex. It turns out novelty is one of the most reliable ways to reignite desire. Research on “self-expansion” (meaning doing novel, exciting things with a partner) found that couples who share new experiences outside the bedroom (think road trips, new cuisines, or hobbies) report stronger sexual desire, are more likely to have sex, and feel more satisfied when they do [9].

So, consider booking a dance class or attending a cooking class together. Or try one or a few new things in the bedroom:

• New sex positions: It’s completely normal to fall into routines with your favorite sex positions. You know what works and feels good. Changing it up and trying new ones is a super easy way to spice things up, though. Make a list with your partner of a couple of new, interesting sex positions you’re curious about and work through it together.

• Introduce sex toys: Sex toys are great not only for solo play, but as a way to add novelty into partnered play! Use your favorite toy with a partner, have them use it on you, or go sex toy shopping together to pick out a new one to try together.

• Try sexting: An easy yet sexy way to build tension and extend foreplay beyond the bedroom is to engage in sexting with your partner. Sending them a quick naughty message doesn’t take much time, but it builds arousal and excitement. Don’t overthink it! A simple “I can’t wait to see you later” or “Thinking about when we did [insert activity] last night…” is just as powerful as detailed erotic text.

• Give dirty talk a go: Letting your partner know just how much they turn you on, or how much you love what they’re doing during sex, is erotic. You can be as gentle or explicit as you feel comfortable. And it doesn’t have to be complicated: “Be a good girl/boy for me” or “You feel so good when…” is a great place to start.

• Use erotic roleplay: Erotic play includes dressing up or playing pretend during sex, and it’s a great way to infuse novelty into your sex life. You can start with a simple scenario of pretending to be strangers at the bar, and see how it feels before you take on more elaborate scenarios.

Sex tips for solo play

Better sex is not reserved for couples only. There are things and practices that can help improve your sexual satisfaction solo.

1. Take care of yourself

We touched on how stress affects libido in couples earlier, but the same applies when you’re on your own. Looking after yourself is one of the most underrated ways to support your libido, and it starts with the basics: managing stress in whatever way works for you, and protecting your rest.

Sleep is a big part of this. A small study that surveyed 171 women over the course of 14 days found that longer sleep predicted greater next-day sexual desire, and each extra hour of sleep women got increased the odds of partnered sex the next day by 14% independent of mood or fatigue [10]. Good sleep hygiene can help, such as avoiding screens 60 minutes before bedtime, maintaining a regular bedtime, and sleeping in a cooler room. The new Natural Cycles Sleep Insights feature pairs your nightly sleep data with your cycle phase so you can track and understand how your rest shifts across the month.

2. Get to know your own body

The most surefire way to start having better sex is to get to know your own body well. Solo exploration allows you to find pleasure spots you may not know about, and figure out what sort of touch and stimulation feels the best for you. Each of our bodies is different, and what feels pleasurable will vary. Once you know what hits the spot for you, not only will your solo play be better, but it may then be easier to communicate your desires to your partner, which can improve partnered sex, too [11].

When exploring solo, try to be patient and non-judgmental with yourself. Try different touches, pressures, stimulation, and even toys to find what works for you. When someone doesn’t feel good, don’t beat yourself over it. The key is not to like everything you try, but to find the sort of play that fits your body and needs.

3. Practice mindfulness

Does your mind tend to wander during sex, to your to-do list, or how you look, or how you’re performing? If the answer is yes, know that you’re definitely not alone and there’s something that may help: mindfulness practices. When researchers tested mindfulness-based therapy on women struggling with low desire, it helped improve their desire and arousal by quieting the self-judgment and distraction during intimacy [12].

Mindfulness teaches us to come back to our bodies and to bring our attention to what we’re feeling in the moment, rather than judging ourselves from the outside. It may help improve desire because the mental noise and self-criticism during intimacy can interrupt the cues that build arousal, such as how good our partner’s touch and presence feel [13].

4. Seduce yourself

When we’re playing solo, we tend to rush through the experience. There’s no shame in it! Sometimes you just want a quick orgasm before sleep, and that’s great. While quickies are great, there’s something special about taking the time to seduce yourself during solo play, the way you might spend time seducing your partner during partnered sex.

It could look like any self-care activity you enjoy doing: a long bath before, setting the mood with lighting, candles, and music. Putting on your favorite pair of lingerie, or pulling out a few of your favorite toys, and really taking your time with them as you explore. Slowing down the pace and spending time exploring can offer new, heightened sensations and stronger orgasms.

Get to know your body better with Natural Cycles

At Natural Cycles, we're dedicated to busting myths and misconceptions around women's health, including the ones around desire and the menstrual cycle. Our app is packed full of female health facts and tailor-made content to help you learn about your unique cycle, so you can start noticing how things like your mood, energy, and desire can shift from one phase to the next.

Natural Cycles is 100% hormone-free, non-invasive, and FDA-cleared for use as birth control in the US. We've helped millions of women worldwide get to know their bodies and tune into their own rhythm, whether they're planning a pregnancy, preventing one, or simply learning what's normal for them. Why not find out if the world's first birth control app is a good fit for you?