First time you have sex: What others say, tips & does it hurt?

Does it hurt to lose your virginity?

The short answer is that it depends. All our bodies are different, and some of us may experience a bit of pain or bleeding when having sex for the first time. However, far from everyone does — and it’s completely normal not to experience pain the first time you have sex, too. 

There’s limited research on this topic, but one 2009 study, which surveyed 300 teenage girls and young women in Sweden, found that 65% experienced pain when they had sex for the first time [1]. To shed some more light on this, we asked a few of our users to share their experiences. Here’s what they said:

• “Painful and was nervous” –Lua
• “Painful and uncomfortable, but not unbearably so. Then he helped me wipe off all the blood” –Rachel
• “With my husband and so sweet and gentle” –Rylie

Why can first-time sex hurt?

Just inside the vagina, there’s a small fold of vaginal tissue that surrounds the vaginal opening, sort of like an elastic band. This is the hymen. When we have sex for the first time, the hymen stretches, which can feel a little painful for some. It may also get small tears as it stretches, which is why some people bleed a little [2]. We’ll come back to the hymen, but first, there are a couple of other reasons why losing your virginity can hurt.

The vagina creates its own lubrication when you’re aroused — that’s why you become “wet”. Penetrating the vagina without enough lubrication, whether that’s due to nerves or because you’re not aroused enough yet, causes friction, which can make sex can feel uncomfortable or painful, or even result in small tears in the hymen [3, 4].

In fact, pain during first-time sex often has to do with our nerves. What typically happens when you’re aroused is that the vagina widens and deepens, which makes penetration more pleasurable. However, if you’re feeling a bit nervous (totally normal the first time you have sex), the muscles in the vagina can tense up or cramp a bit, which can lead to pain during penetration instead [2, 3]. 

What is the hymen, and what does it have to do with virginity?

Most of us have probably heard the phrase “popping your cherry” in the context of losing your virginity, and this saying illustrates the myth of the hymen quite well. 

Historically (and inaccurately), the hymen has been thought of as a membrane that completely covers the vaginal opening and tears when you have sex for the first time. In reality, the hymen is a small fold of tissue located just inside the vagina, where it surrounds the vaginal opening — it does not cover it. How it looks varies from person to person, and the hymen also changes appearance and becomes more elastic as we get older, for example, due to the hormonal changes that happen during puberty [2].

You might be wondering why we’re making such a big deal out of such a small piece of tissue. At Natural Cycles, we’re passionate about empowering people with knowledge about their bodies. The myth of the hymen is, at best, unhelpful and at worst, it can be harmful to young women.

In many cultures, women and girls are expected to feel pain or bleed the first time they have sex, as this is considered evidence that the hymen was intact and that she’s a virgin. However, that’s also part of the hymen myth. In fact, it’s not possible to tell if someone is a virgin by looking at their vagina or by whether or not they bleed or have pain during sex [5]. There’s also no evidence that sports or using tampons result in injuries to the hymen [2].

Dealing with pain after sex

Pain during first-time sex can feel scary, but the good news is it usually doesn’t last long, if it happens at all. It might sting or feel a bit sore afterwards, but it should go away within a couple of days [2]. 

If the pain doesn’t go away, you experience severe pain, or you continue to have pain during sex, always reach out to your healthcare provider as soon as possible. Sex shouldn’t be painful, and there is help available. And remember, there are other ways to have sex than just penetration — so you can still enjoy yourself if you’re in the mood but find vaginal sex painful or uncomfortable.

Is pain during first-time sex a one-time thing?

In general, sex shouldn’t hurt, though some people may experience discomfort the first few times. Persistent pain during sex is usually an indication of an underlying condition, such as:

• Yeast infections: Symptoms of a yeast infection includes itchness and soreness in and around the vagina, and you may also have pain during sex [6].
• Sexually transmitted infections (STIs): Some STIs, such as chlamydia, gonorrhea or trichomoniasis, may cause symptoms like pain, redness, or swelling in and around the vagina [7].
• Allergies or skin irritation: If you’re allergic or sensitive to certain substances used around the vulva or in the vagina, like soaps, lubricants, or latex, this can cause painful irritation [3].
• Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID): An infection in the female reproductive system, which is usually caused by bacteria entering the uterus, fallopian tubes, or ovaries. Symptoms include pain during sex, pain in the abdomen and pelvis, and fever [8].
• Endometriosis: A condition where tissue similar to the uterine lining grows outside the uterus. Common symptoms are painful and heavy periods, and pain during sex [9].
• Fibroids: Non-cancerous growths that develop in or around the uterus, which can cause pain in the belly or lower back, frequent or heavy periods, and pain during sex [10].
• Vaginal dryness due to hormonal changes, for example during perimenopause [3].
• Vaginismus: a condition where the muscles around the opening of the vagina tighten in a way that makes penetration painful [3].
• Vulvodynia: Pain affecting the vulva (the external parts of the female genitalia) that lasts for at least three months and isn’t caused by another diagnosed medical condition [11].

If you continue to have pain during sex or if the pain is severe, it’s important to speak to your healthcare provider to understand the cause so it can be treated. 

Things to consider before having sex for the first time

Whether your first time will be a spur-of-the-moment thing or planned, there are some things that can be helpful to think of in advance. You may even find it helpful to talk these through with your partner to make sure you’re both on the same page.  

First off, make sure you have protection on hand. Condoms are a great first-time option since they are the only method that protects against both pregnancy and STIs, plus they are easy to come by. You can buy condoms at your local pharmacy, supermarket, or online. There are also many different types of birth control you can use to prevent pregnancy. Talk to your doctor to learn what’s the right fit for you.

Secondly, set realistic expectations. Because let’s face it, the first time you have sex will likely not be your best — as with anything, it requires practice and learning what works for you (and what doesn’t). Here’s what two of our users said about their first times:

• “Awkward because we didn't know, but with my life partner so we learned the 2nd time much better” –Peyton
• “Too long and not what the movies make it seem like!” –Gracie

So, the first time might feel a bit awkward and strange, but don’t worry, it does get better. Just try to relax and be in the moment with your partner.

How to make losing your virginity less painful

Not everyone feels pain when losing their virginity, so chances are you won’t either. We like to come prepared, though, so let’s go over some things that can make your first time more enjoyable and decrease the likelihood of pain.

Take it slow 

It’s totally normal to feel nervous, but unfortunately, anticipating pain can make us tense up without meaning to. Be patient with yourself and your partner — sex isn’t a race, and especially not the first time. When you both feel ready, take the time to get into the right mood. Go as slow as you need and listen to your partner if they ask to slow down — this can help you feel more comfortable and relaxed. Don’t try to “push through” or tolerate pain, you’re always in control of the pace.

Here’s what two of our users said about taking it slow their first time:

• “[Did it] With my high school bf who did it before me, made a playlist and went really slow” –Jackie
• “I waited until I met someone I really liked and it was a really good experience” –Emily

Communication is key 

Communication is key when it comes to sex. Talking about what you like, don’t like, or feel unsure about beforehand can help you feel prepared for your first time, but it’s equally important to communicate during sex. Let your partner know what feels good or if they should try touching you in a different way, and make sure to listen to your partner as well. And remember: not all communication is verbal, so tune into your partner’s non-verbal signals too.

Make time for foreplay

Even if we feel emotionally aroused, it can take a while for our bodies to catch up — that’s where foreplay comes in. Foreplay may include kissing, touching, giving your partner a sensual massage, or other types of intimacy to help our bodies prepare for sex. When we’re aroused, the vulva swells and becomes blood-filled [12], while the vagina widens and deepens, plus creates lubrication, all of which makes penetration easier and more enjoyable. Basically, don’t skip the foreplay!

Lube is your friend 

Even though the vagina creates its own lubrication when aroused, you may want to use additional lube too. Touching or penetrating the vagina without enough lubrication can be uncomfortable or even painful, so don’t hesitate to add lube if you feel like you need to. 

Not getting wet can be a sensitive subject, but try not to worry — there are plenty of reasons why we might not create “enough” lubrication even if we’re aroused, including if we’re nervous or stressed [13]. Using additional lube will only enhance the experience during sex. Make sure you use a water-based lube if you’re using condoms, since oil-based ones can increase the likelihood of them breaking.

Learn about your body (and your partner’s too)

Everyone has different preferences when it comes to sex, including where we like to be touched and how. Before you have sex with a partner for the first time, take the time to learn what you like. Masturbation is a great way of getting to know your own body and what works for you, and then you’ll be able to guide your partner on how to give you pleasure. 

Make sure you have (and give) consent

Sex is meant to be enjoyed, so consent is really important to make sure everyone involved feels safe. You can check for consent verbally by asking your partner if it’s okay to touch them a certain way or if they like how it feels, and pay attention to non-verbal cues too. Pause to check in if your partner seems uncomfortable.

Remember that it’s always okay to stop if something doesn’t feel right — you should never have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Even if it feels okay at first, you’re allowed to change your mind at any time, and your partner should always listen and respect your decisions. 

Try different positions

Don’t hesitate to try different sexual positions. In positions that allow for deeper penetration, like doggy style or the seashell, the penis may push on the cervix, which connects the vagina and uterus, in a way that can feel uncomfortable or even painful. Switching to a position that allows more shallow penetration, switching so you’re on top and can control the depth, or asking your partner not to go as deep can help you feel more comfortable. 

Bonus tips: give shallow penetration a try! One study which looked at survey responses from 3,000 US women found that almost 85% use a technique called shallowing, meaning shallow penetration just inside the vaginal opening, to make vaginal sex more pleasurable [14].

Not all sex is penetration

Many people go straight to vaginal penetration when thinking about sex, but there’s more to sex than just penis-in-vagina. There are many types of sex that don’t involve penetration at all, like erogenous touching, fingering, or hand-jobs, outercourse, phone sex — really anything that gives you sexual pleasure can be counted as sex. So, if you’re not ready for vaginal sex or find penetration painful, there are options you can explore if you want.

Treat any conditions that might cause painful sex

If you have any medical condition that can cause pain during sex, for example, a yeast infection, treat it first so you don’t have to endure unnecessary pain. Reach out to your healthcare provider to find what treatment options would work best for you.

Tips for vaginal sex

Now that we’ve covered some tips to make the first time less painful, let’s keep it going and run though a few more for general tips to make vaginal sex enjoyble every time you have sex: 

• Make time for foreplay: Foreplay isn’t just for the first time — it’s always important. Experiment and find what you like best!

• Stimulate the clitoris: When it comes to female pleasure, the clitoris really is the star of the show. Research has found that only 18% of women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, while about 70% orgasm or enjoy vaginal penetration more when stimulating the clitoris at the same time [15].

• Use lube: Lubrication (either natural or added) is a must to make vaginal sex enjoyable, so don’t hesitate to use additional lube if you need to. It will only make things better.

• Try different positions: Experiment with different positions, angles, and depths of penetration.

• Use birth control: Vaginal sex comes with a risk of pregnancy, so be sure to use a birth control method if you don’t want to become pregnant. Remember that condoms are the only method that protects against STIs.

Tips for anal sex

Anal sex can be painful, especially the first time. While the vagina is made to be able to be penetrated, the anus is made up of much tighter muscles so penetration can result in pain. Anal sex isn’t for everyone, so it’s also okay if you don’t want to do it. If you want to give anal sex a try, here are some things you can do:

• Use lube: Unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t produce any lubrication of it’s own, so you should always use plenty of lube for anal sex. 

• Go slow: It can be difficult to relax the muscles in the anus, so it’s key to take things slow and warm up the area with other types of touching. Don’t rush! If you’re comfortable with it, it can help to start with smaller objects like fingers or toys (make sure to only use toys meant for anal stimulation).

• Use condoms: You should always use a condom if you’re penetrating the anus with a penis, both to prevent STIs and to avoid bacteria entering the urethra [16]. Put on a new condom if you switch from anal to vaginal sex. 

Tips for oral sex

Oral sex doesn’t typically hurt, but it can feel uncomfortable if your partner is touching you in a way you don’t like. As always, when it comes to sex, communication is key, so tell your partner what feels good for you. If you’re the one giving oral sex, be gentle and listen to what your partner wants. Now, let’s look at a few tips:

• Try different techniques and speeds: You can experiment with different techniques or speeds to see what works best for you. 

• Use your hands: Oral sex doesn’t mean you can only use your mouth. Erotic touching or caressing your partner can enhance the experience, and you can use your finger or fingers to gently penetrate the vagina and stimulate the clitoris from within. 

• Use dental dams: Dental dams are small sheets made of latex or polyurethane that are used to cover the vulva during oral sex. It’s possible for STIs to be transmitted through oral sex, and using dental dams reduces the risk [17].

Take the right safety precautions

Practicing safe sex means that you can focus on enjoying yourself without having to worry about unwanted consequences, so let’s turn our attention to safety. 

If you don’t want to risk pregnancy, make sure you use an effective birth control method. There are many options to choose from, ranging from hormonal methods, like the pill, to non-hormonal methods, such as Natural Cycles or the copper IUD. Your healthcare provider can help you find the best fit for you.

It’s also important to protect yourself against STIs, and condoms are the only method that does this effectively. Even if you’re already using a birth control method, like the pill or Natural Cycles, using condoms with new sexual partners will offer another layer of protection. 

Learn about sexual health with Natural Cycles

At Natural Cycles, we’re passionate about busting myths about sexual and reproductive health, and we believe that knowledge about your own body puts you in control. We’ve also created NC° Birth Control, the first and only FDA Cleared birth control app, offering a non-hormonal option that also lets you learn about your body and menstrual cycle. NC° Birth Control is for those over 18 and doesn’t protect against STIs. Why not see if Natural Cycles could be right for you?