Simultaneous orgasm: How to achieve one & what does it feel like?

Is it possible to orgasm at the same time?

Yes, having a mutual orgasm with your partner is possible — but it doesn’t happen all the time, or to everyone. Orgasms aren’t an exact science. Everyone experiences them differently, and lots of external factors like stress or sleep can change how easily we are aroused. 

There is also the matter of the orgasm gap. This term is used to describe the difference in the number of orgasms experienced between different groups, and the biggest gap is in heterosexual relationships. One study found 95% of heterosexual men state they usually orgasm during sexual activity, compared to only 65% of heterosexual women [1]. Additionally, a study of more than 1,000 US women found that only 18% of women reach orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, and roughly three-quarters report that they either need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, or that it makes their orgasms better [2].

Men and women have different orgasm experiences, so understanding your body and turn-ons (and those of your partner) is crucial for timing your release together. With all of this in mind, simultaneous orgasms are achievable, but can take practice, effort, and communication from both partners. We’ll go into more details on tips later in this article. 

What are the benefits?

Experiencing a joint climax can be an intense bonding moment with your partner, but there are plenty of benefits to orgasms whether you experience them mutually or not. In women, orgasms and masturbation are found to reduce pain associated with endometriosis, as well as premenstrual cramps and backache. Partnered sex and solo sex are also linked to better sleep and may increase levels of some antibodies [3].  

What does a simultaneous orgasm feel like?

An orgasm is the quick contracting and relaxing of genital and pelvic muscles, accompanied by a quickened heart rate and feelings of euphoria [4]. Often, orgasms feel like a pleasurable release, followed by relaxation as your heart rate slows again. 

A simultaneous orgasm will feel similar, but can be especially pleasurable. It can be arousing to feel you are “in tune” with your partner as you build up to a climax, and tipping over the edge of orgasm together can feel uninhibited, intimate, and bonding.

That said, everyone experiences orgasm and sexual pleasure differently, and each orgasm can feel different, too. The type of sex you’re having, your menstrual cycle, sleep quality, stress, and your relationship with your partner may affect how you experience sex and orgasms. It is completely normal for libido and orgasms to fluctuate, but if you have any concerns, speak to your healthcare provider. 

Tips for simultaneous orgasms

Sex should be enjoyable regardless of when, or if, you orgasm. But if you would like to try and experience a mutual orgasm with your partner, here are a few tips to help you get there. 

Communication is key

One of the most important aspects of experiencing a mutual orgasm is communicating your needs with each other. Knowing what each other's turn-ons are and learning each other’s cues as orgasm gets closer helps with both climaxing and timing your orgasms. 

Verbal communication is particularly useful, but it doesn’t have to be clinical! A simple “I love it when you [insert activity]” can help steer your partner in the right direction. Speaking about how turned on you are and letting them know “I’m getting close” or “Let’s slow down a bit” can go a long way. If you’re not used to communicating like this during sex, it can take some getting used to. But the more you practice, the more in-tune you become with each other, and the better the experience can become.

Get to know your own body

A big part of mutual orgasm is timing and knowing your own turn-ons. That’s why it's important to explore your body, what gives you pleasure, and how it feels when you get close to orgasm. As a starting point, masturbation can help you learn about different sensations and erogenous zones, and what you like or dislike. A 2006 study found that women who masturbate are more likely to reach orgasm during sex, though more research is needed to determine cause and effect [5]. 

Masturbation can also help you with timing a mutual orgasm with your partner. Take note of how you feel when you are close to an orgasm. Over time, it will become easier to notice these cues when having sex with your partner. You can also try mutual masturbation, a type of non-penetrative sex where you and your partner watch each other touch yourselves. It can be a huge turn-on, and help show each other exactly what you like. It can also be a great start to timing your orgasms together, before progressing to trying it during penetrative sex.

Enjoy foreplay

Foreplay is any physical, emotional, or psychological act that helps you get into the mood for sexual activity. Though we often focus on intimate touching, foreplay also includes kissing, massage, teasing, flirting, and verbal compliments [6]. A study of 152 heterosexual couples found that both men and women want more foreplay than they typically get [7]. 

Instead of viewing foreplay as a quick necessity before the main event, spend extra time touching, kissing, and building up sexual arousal. Foreplay is also another way to explore each other’s bodies and turn-ons. Sometimes having an orgasm during foreplay can make it easier to orgasm during sex, like NC° user Caroline:

“If I have an non-penetrating orgasm it will lead to more orgasms during sex. I feel more intimate with my partner and feel valued to the fact that he wants to pleasure [me]”

Practice edging

Edging is a technique first described in medical literature in 1956 to help with premature ejaculation, but it is also used to increase sexual pleasure and help with controlling orgasms [8]. To practice edging, you stimulate yourself until you are on the cusp of an orgasm. You then stop stimulation, letting your heart rate reduce a little, before starting again. This process can be repeated as needed, before eventually allowing yourself to climax fully. You can practice edging alone, with your partner, or during foreplay. Once you feel comfortable, you can try to use edging during sex to time your orgasms with each other. Don’t worry if it doesn’t work out the first time. Enjoy the process and try again!

Try different positions

Different sexual positions can offer different types of stimulation. Try mixing up your usual positions to see which you find more stimulating, or which can help you and your partner reach a mutual orgasm. For example, you might enjoy missionary for easier access to the clitoris, cowgirl for more control over speed, or doggy to stimulate the G-spot. You can also try the coital alignment technique — a modified missionary position that helps to stimulate the clitoris through rocking. Studies have suggested it can help women reach orgasm [9], and possibly at the same time as their partner [10] — but both studies were small, and others haven’t been able to repeat their results [11]. Again, communicate with your partner to make sure you are both enjoying yourselves. 

Take the pressure off

Nothing kills the mood more than feeling pressure or stress about sex. It might sound counterintuitive, but instead of aiming to reach a mutual orgasm, it can help to take the goal out of the picture. Instead, stay present in the moment, enjoy experimenting, and embrace the other aspects of sex and connection with your partner. Perhaps you could have a session focused solely on foreplay and exploring your turn-ons? Sex is supposed to be fun after all! 

What happens if you can’t achieve one?

It is completely normal not to orgasm together. Everyone experiences orgasm differently, and many women find they don’t orgasm during intercourse [2]. If you are struggling to reach a mutual orgasm, take a break and work on other areas of intimacy, such as communication and getting to know your own body. It is also perfectly normal to only orgasm through clitoral stimulation or non-penetrative sex, like NC° user Ken10:

“(Non-penetrative sex) is the only way I am able to climax so far…It keeps our sex life fun, interesting, and adds a little variety to our intimacy. We have also enjoyed trying non-penetrative sex as a way to work up to penetrative sex.”

You can also try addressing other factors that might affect your libido. Some research indicates that women experience lower genital arousal when suffering from high chronic stress [12]. If external parts of your life are causing stress, try addressing these first. Sleep also plays a role in our sexual experience. A study of 171 women found that longer sleep was associated with stronger sexual desire, and the more sleep participants got, the greater the likelihood of partnered sex the next day [13]. If you’re interested in the relationship between sleep and sex, Natural Cycles users can now receive sleep insights in the NC° app, using their wearable device, and spot patterns between their menstrual cycle, sleep quality, and libido.

In the meantime, try to stay in the moment and enjoy sex with or without a simultaneous orgasm. Focus on having fun and learning about each other, whether through penetrative or non-penetrative sex, or experimenting with other erogenous zones like the nipples. You can come back to trying for a mutual orgasm at a time when you are feeling connected, relaxed, and have plenty of time to explore.

Learn about libido and your menstrual cycle

Many of us may find our sex drive changes throughout the stages of our menstrual cycle. Natural Cycles accurately tracks the different stages of your cycle by monitoring your temperature trends with the NC° Band or a compatible device. You can then log symptoms, including libido, and spot patterns between your cycle stages and your sex drive. More than just a cycle tracker, the NC° app accurately predicts when you are fertile each cycle. It is FDA-cleared for use as hormone-free birth control in NC° Birth Control, or if you’re trying to get pregnant, you can use NC° Plan Pregnancy. You can also opt in to NC° Partner View, so your partner can view your cycle and fertility, and gain a better understanding of how sex might be impacted by your cycle. Get started today with Natural Cycles.